10 years anniversary of my beloved departed to Cosmos

January 3th. 2016

Every end of the year. I’m counting my own clock to passing go though fast January 3th. I didn’t feel like a end of the year. I didn’t feel like a new year. Hoping to passing though the moment of January 3 th. When My life was upside down. 

I was hang out my friend end of the year of 2025. We had lunch and She said “I hate new year’s eve.” I said “yeah. I don’t hate it but I think society push us to cerebrate  or starting feels new? ” well It is nice to feel start new. Even just passing next day 12.31 2025 to 1.1.2026. I want to feel new. And It is nice to starting like new. 

We restart. 

Still carrying memories but I don’t want remove them. I want to feel pain. That is part of me.

Between December 29th to January 3th I’m carefully monitor my body and let myself crying If It’s necessary and not to push myself. Welcome to any feels. Freedom for my emotional. It is like a big cleaning for my heart and body. My body is carrying like a earthquake.

  

Each year  grief processing is differently react my body.

Some of year was lighter. Some of year was heavier.

But This year was different. 10 year’s anniversary of Dan’s death. (He was my half)

On January 3th. 2026 We went cemetery. It was so cold weather wasn’t present. Cold weather like typical NYC winter. Dark cloudy. Air is sharp. Made my face hurt. 

When we gather at bar I was  happy to see friends.always nice to see good friends who saw most worst time of me. Now I can smile dude! 

We proud ourselves to our friendship keep continued after his death. 

That day I was little off. I was little num. 

I noticed my body got so tight and cold when I got home I soaked my body to warm bath for  2 hours to released from my body and mind. Many thoughts. Many feels from 10 years of grief and felt our connections and I felt love surrounding me 

Finally I feel I can get out of this cage and move on to my next chapter of my life.  

Someone bring me out of cage.

I’m grateful I came so far. It wasn’t easy.but I made it. Climbing from bottom. And I’m so happy with surrounding friends.community, and  support, caring. I’m not here without you.

Ps. I have a lot to say about my ex my better half Dan. Beautiful human being. I will write whole story about him some day. Little showing about his music:)

 https://soundcloud.com/daniel-mcneil